It's about that time of year for me to begin really experiencing my symptoms. I have been feeling a little beaten down for the last week or so. I have to say that it is getting increasingly frustrating to feel like I am embarking the best condition I have been in since moving back to Fort Worth yet still feel breathless between Zumba and Combat songs. Now for the last 3-4 weeks I have felt the weakness start in my arms and move to my feet eventually causing me to stop hit pause and delay the next song bluffing and talking about random ways to get and stay involved at the Y until I have gained enough air and confidence to try again and push play.
Before moving here, I ran and trained for marathons with two friends and over the course of 2 years managed to run myself to the fittest condition I have ever been in. I moved here to begin my journey at the BCC YMCA and found myself really happy and suddenly pregnant. God works in amazing ways and I am truly blessed to have the small family he has given me. After our lil' man was born I found myself overweight and uncomfortable in my skin. I was encouraged by a sudden interruption in my vision to see a new nuerologist and soon discovered I had an infection/parasite in my brain that was attacking my optical nerves and causing me to lose my eye sight. In my own persistant way, we were able to make the parasite dormant and I was able regain my vision again. I also wanted and still deperately want to be able to handle my core temperature going up like a normal person. A year or so later I was given a detrimental blow to my endurance junkie ways. It was scientifically proven that I will not ever be able to do the things I used to do. I was told, unless I move to a colder region of the US or invent some weird device/shirt cooling system to keep me cold I would have to give up on bucket list goals like attempting to qualify for the Boston Marathon or anything of that nature. It is unlikely that I will even be able to tolerate the beating our great state of Texas provides during the summer months long enough to get from the parking lot to my office, a few hundred yards away. It can be mentally defeating.
So that sort of brings me to this week. Normally, I don't write much about my symptoms because I don't want to seem as though I am a complainer. I have been given this body and my talents for a reason. At the end of my AMAZING life I will stand before the Almighty and have to answer for the life I have led. I refuse to stand in front of him and tell that I gave up because of the adversity that has been so boldly placed in front of me. I have been put on this earth to inspire, encourage, teach, and motivate. There is no doubt in my mind, I am doing what I was meant to do.
So today, I am not feeling so lucky. I am feeling tired, hot, hotter, and not nearly as strong as I look. If you were to look at me, you would see that I am fit. I do workout. I do work very hard...but my insides sing another song. It is like my brain and my body are at war. My brain says, "Push play and dance". My body says, "Slow down sister. I will make you slow down whether you want to or not, and should you not listen to me, I will force you to hear me and I will cause you to verbally stutter, feel as though you are floating on air, and if that is not loud enough to make you stop I will make it so you have a hard time raising your hands over your head. I will cause you to have mental fog so dense you can't see straight."
My reaction to this war is usually defeat, anger, and then stubborness. When I tell people about my condition, they always ask why do you keep doing this if it is that hard? I don't have an answer. I would not be me if I did not try to persist through it, move around it, or try to find ways to beat it. It's like a game to me. How hard can I go before I am forced to step back? How close can I get to the line before I cross over?
So, since I have taught more than I should have this week I find myself at home, trying to sleep but somehow continuing to think about Body Pump, Body Combat, and Zumba; my three new favorite classes to teach. I am laying there thinking, how am I going to be able to teach Combat in a couple weeks and still function the rest of the day? It is a very real question I began to entertain last night. I am not sure. I could hardly make it through 30 minutes of Zumba lastnight before feeling completely defeated and motivated to run for the hills. I did not and thank goodness I had some good friends to bail me out for few songs while I regained a tiny bit of feeling and caught my breath. I am wondering though...how appropriate would it be to teach in as few clothes as possible at the Y? Ha, another strategy to attempt to dodge the inevitable.
Eventually I will have to succumb to Ross Syndrome and drastically change my life in lieu of being able feel my feet consistantly but not today. Today, I am going shopping for skorts that fly through the air when I dance. I am looking for one in hot pink, black and lime green. I will look at shoes that allow my feet to be cooler and move freely.
Perhaps after shopping I will feel a bit more lucky!!
