I have to be really honest for just a bit. I am struggling a bit. I don't want to run. I am not motivated to run. It is hot and I am really really angry. After I am angry, I am feeling guilty for being angry. I want to run with my friends. I want to hang out with my friends. I would rather get up at 5 meet them in the parking lot and wait for them to run the mileage and then celebrate with them once they are finished. How does one go from believing that she is meant to run and to touch other people's lives through running all of the sudden find no joy in what she is doing? It is not fun. It hasn't been fun for a year. I am going to end 2006 the way I began it. Lots of good intentions, high expectations, and complete frustration. I am at a bit of a loss. I am going to continue to plog through hard (for me) runs and easy ones too, but I cannot continue to be angry. I want to not feel sorry for myself, but how do I do that with out giving up the very thing I love to do? Be glad that I cannot cool myself on the right side of my body?? I am grieving. I grieving the idea that I might someday BQ. I am sad and upset and want to go back to the way things were. I was not heat sensitive when I first starting running with RunnerSusan. Those were fun times. Now.....not so fun. Not because of Susan, but because I am miserable. I wish I could find some magic pill that would make all of this better. For those of you that know me, know that this is not me. I don't like easy answers. I like to work for everything. I appreciate it more. Perhaps I just have to work even harder to over come this.
Monday workout: 40 minute indoor bike ride (stationary bike)
Tuesday workout: 2 miles running, 2 miles walking, and 2 x 400 in the pool (I had to do something to feel better about myself. The run this morning was rediculous!!)
I can do this. I will get over this eventually. I just hope it is sooner rather than later.
Blog on friends!!
4 comments:
i'm sorry you're not having fun running and you're stuggling so. because of you i lost 45lbs and i'm in the best shape of my life, at 53. dianne has never worked out and look at the changes in her that you brought about. whatever you do with the things you're struggling with, we're with you.
Hey - chin up. Struggles, frustration & anger usually mean growth & reward. As Susan says, you ARE doing a lot. Maybe you can pick one of the three things (bike, swim, run) and focus on that with little bits of the others? It will be cooling down, so maybe run when it is cool, swim when it is hot and bike as the seasons change?? Do the others too as cross training days instead of all out??? Only a thought - but maybe it will give you ideas on ways to modify. Let yourself back off a little so you see the fun and enjoyment again. I bet your 5am buddies would love for you to visit and supply water at the half way point. :)
You are good at running, so don't give up on yourself, but give yourself some slack, you have been through a heck of a lot this year.
So sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I know this probably doesn't help much but I do believe that most of us deal with these types of feeling from time to time.
As susan indicated, you are doing A LOT of things in addition to running. Keep that in mind. If you want to BQ, you will probably have to focus on just running for a while. I know that for me - trying to achieve the same goal - I have not been getting the weight training, abs, or even my self-defense classes in lately because the running is taking up so much of my time and energy.
Maybe taking a few days off might help as well and as the cooler temps start to move in you'll feel reinvigorated.
Don't give up.
I hope things start looking up for you. Like Susan said, things will get better.
Post a Comment