Not feeling so lucky

It's about that time of year for me to begin really experiencing my symptoms. I have been feeling a little beaten down for the last week or so. I have to say that it is getting increasingly frustrating to feel like I am embarking the best condition I have been in since moving back to Fort Worth yet still feel breathless between Zumba and Combat songs. Now for the last 3-4 weeks I have felt the weakness start in my arms and move to my feet eventually causing me to stop hit pause and delay the next song bluffing and talking about random ways to get and stay involved at the Y until I have gained enough air and confidence to try again and push play.


Before moving here, I ran and trained for marathons with two friends and over the course of 2 years managed to run myself to the fittest condition I have ever been in. I moved here to begin my journey at the BCC YMCA and found myself really happy and suddenly pregnant. God works in amazing ways and I am truly blessed to have the small family he has given me. After our lil' man was born I found myself overweight and uncomfortable in my skin. I was encouraged by a sudden interruption in my vision to see a new nuerologist and soon discovered I had an infection/parasite in my brain that was attacking my optical nerves and causing me to lose my eye sight. In my own persistant way, we were able to make the parasite dormant and I was able regain my vision again. I also wanted and still deperately want to be able to handle my core temperature going up like a normal person. A year or so later I was given a detrimental blow to my endurance junkie ways. It was scientifically proven that I will not ever be able to do the things I used to do. I was told, unless I move to a colder region of the US or invent some weird device/shirt cooling system to keep me cold I would have to give up on bucket list goals like attempting to qualify for the Boston Marathon or anything of that nature. It is unlikely that I will even be able to tolerate the beating our great state of Texas provides during the summer months long enough to get from the parking lot to my office, a few hundred yards away. It can be mentally defeating.

So that sort of brings me to this week. Normally, I don't write much about my symptoms because I don't want to seem as though I am a complainer. I have been given this body and my talents for a reason. At the end of my AMAZING life I will stand before the Almighty and have to answer for the life I have led. I refuse to stand in front of him and tell that I gave up because of the adversity that has been so boldly placed in front of me. I have been put on this earth to inspire, encourage, teach, and motivate. There is no doubt in my mind, I am doing what I was meant to do.

So today, I am not feeling so lucky. I am feeling tired, hot, hotter, and not nearly as strong as I look. If you were to look at me, you would see that I am fit. I do workout. I do work very hard...but my insides sing another song. It is like my brain and my body are at war. My brain says, "Push play and dance". My body says, "Slow down sister. I will make you slow down whether you want to or not, and should you not listen to me, I will force you to hear me and I will cause you to verbally stutter, feel as though you are floating on air, and if that is not loud enough to make you stop I will make it so you have a hard time raising your hands over your head. I will cause you to have mental fog so dense you can't see straight."


My reaction to this war is usually defeat, anger, and then stubborness. When I tell people about my condition, they always ask why do you keep doing this if it is that hard? I don't have an answer. I would not be me if I did not try to persist through it, move around it, or try to find ways to beat it. It's like a game to me. How hard can I go before I am forced to step back? How close can I get to the line before I cross over?


So, since I have taught more than I should have this week I find myself at home, trying to sleep but somehow continuing to think about Body Pump, Body Combat, and Zumba; my three new favorite classes to teach. I am laying there thinking, how am I going to be able to teach Combat in a couple weeks and still function the rest of the day? It is a very real question I began to entertain last night. I am not sure. I could hardly make it through 30 minutes of Zumba lastnight before feeling completely defeated and motivated to run for the hills. I did not and thank goodness I had some good friends to bail me out for few songs while I regained a tiny bit of feeling and caught my breath. I am wondering though...how appropriate would it be to teach in as few clothes as possible at the Y? Ha, another strategy to attempt to dodge the inevitable.


Eventually I will have to succumb to Ross Syndrome and drastically change my life in lieu of being able feel my feet consistantly but not today. Today, I am going shopping for skorts that fly through the air when I dance. I am looking for one in hot pink, black and lime green. I will look at shoes that allow my feet to be cooler and move freely.


Perhaps after shopping I will feel a bit more lucky!!

Sisterhood

Last weekend I was able to spend some time with by BFF from my TCU days and discovered the power of sisterhood. I have sisters, two of them in fact. I am very close to each of them, but what I found at this celebration was different from traditional sisterhood. Hotty Hubby, Lil Man, the blonde dog, and I all got in the car a little too late on Friday night and made our way to Cedar Park where we were staying with my brother in law. We were about two miles from his exit when we hear from the back a very groggy Lil man say "mommy my head hurts and I think I am going to throw up". Now, with him being 3, we hear this sort of thing all of them time. Especially when he doesn't agree with the activity we are doing or want him to do. We were not in a place where we could just pull off the highway. We needed an exit, but the exit did not come fast enough. Sure as Hotty Hubby put the blinker on, projectile vomit begins to spew, the really stinky kind. Ugh, gross. Chaos ensued with a quick change of clothes, and a mommy sort of wipe down but we eventually made it to Uncle's house where I immediately put little guy in the tub. Hotty Hubby and Uncle both make a quick run to the car wash to anti-stink the car and sleep shortly followed. I had to tell that part of the story because I was freaking out inside that this event would set the tone of this super quick trip to Austin. We all rested well and got up the next day feeling and smelling much better. Once we all had breakfast, I realized I had to get a gift. It seems my "Y" life gets in the way of extra stuff like shopping for a baby gift. I had the perfect gift in mind, but no time to go get it. I figured Cedar Park had a Baby's R Us somewhere and they do. I never found it or my perfect gift. I was able to settle for the second best perfect gift . I got her a scrapbook. It is funny because I love to scrapbook and until our Lil man came along I spent almost all of my time scrapbooking. It is my contribution to further educating future family members of their past in a very colorful and creative way. Once I found my way to South Austin for a Baby Shower I walked in thinking, I am only going to know one or two people and for the most part that was true. It didn't matter though. I was there for my friend who was embarking on the most amazing journey. One I did not fully understand until I joined the club myself. I walked and a different friend from college walked up to me. Robin and Manda had been friends for almost as long and Manda and I have been friends but Robin and I had never really hung out. Outside of being Thetas, we didn't really have anything in common. I was an athlete and gym rat, who dated this dude from Denton and spent more weekends there than on campus. She was a theater girl, RTF major, and a good kind of different from me. We were joined by Theta and that connection would reunite us. Manda and Robin kept in touch and the three of us would sometimes cross paths when Manda would visit FW. We immediately picked up on wherever it was we left off and enjoyed each other's company. I discovered that she still lives in FW and being so close we should hang out. We talked and tag teamed the gift opening/notetaking job. She is probably way better at that sort of thing than me, I get so involved in gifts and cards to write down what gift is from who. The really cool part of my story did not really happen until after the party was over. By 4 o'clock or so several people had left. Manda's co-workers and future in-laws had all said their goodbyes and moved on to the rest of their weekend. The shower was thrown by Manda's mom and several of her friends. This was a collection of women who have chosen to stick together through life's ups and downs. We all gathered around Manda to talk about mommyhood and friendship. Robin has not officially joined the mommy club, but she is such an amazing friend we embraced her into our group. She will get there in her own time, we all do. It hit me like a ton of bricks when one of the ladies said she remembered Judy's, Manda's mom, shower for Manda. They talked about the gifts they gave her and how the celebrated the momentous occasion. As I was sitting there listening, I realized quickly though our small group of three did not equal mass of her mom's group, the meaning and relationship was the same. I was sitting there thinking oh my goodness, Manda has been in my life longer than my husband and child. She knows things about me that perhaps he doesn't, although I am not sure I could say what if put on the spot, but you get what I am saying. She remembers the Sigma Nu party we went to before driving to Dallas to the club I met my hubby. It warms my heart and makes me smile to think I have friends like this in my life. We are sisters in many ways. We have chosen, like Judy's friends, to stick together through it all. I have spent a significant amount of time in the last year or so thinking I need more girlfriends in my life. My time is spent building relationships and sharing myself with others. I do it everyday and have no problem doing it, but how well do we really know the people that are building those relationships with? We like to think they are solid relationships and friends we could call on at a moment's notice to bail us out of what ever situation has arrived. We call on those friends when we need support, encouragement, and accountablility. I guess, I am thinking about how deep those roots go. I believe that true friends like Robin and Manda only come around once in a while. Manda and I spent about a year or so not talking to each other because life just got in the way. That time apart somehow changed us, maybe for the better...who knows. People snicker about Facebook adictions and the level of false intimacy it provides, but it was through Facebook that we reconnected. I could not be happier we did!! We have hung out more in the last 3 months than we have in the 3 years!! We do what sisters do...pick up where you left off and keep going. I get emotional thinking about what those friendships really mean to me and how they have made me the woman I am today. I left Manda, Robin, and Judy that day thinking I am glad to have friends like this. It is rare and I am so LUCKY to have them in my life. To my new friends, I only hope that we can create roots just as deep and impactful!! The future only knows which of my new friends will stay in my life through thick and thin and all of the ups and downs life will bring. I am really thinking....I am so incredibly LUCKY!!